Coping with losing a loved one to COVID-19

Even the most resilient among us are presenting with low emotional resources today, says clinical psychologist Mandy Rodrigues. "For months, we've dealt with constant uncertainty about our loved ones' safety and health - and our own. We're also dealing with daily uncertainty about our livelihoods and how to manage work during the pandemic. And now, during a devastating third wave of COVID-19 infection, we're dealing with civil conflict in our country too, putting significant pressure on our coping mechanisms."

The numbers become faces

"Unlike in the past where wars were limited to certain countries or areas, the whole world is now fighting an invisible enemy collectively," she explains. "We watch the daily COVID-19 statistics feeling a sense of removal. They are figures... numbers. Then someone we know gets the disease and we hear they recover. Then the unthinkable happens. We lose a loved one, and those numbers are no longer statistics."

Pandemic increases cases of Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGR)

Elizabeth Kubler Ross defined five stages of grief that you go through after losing a loved one - shock, denial and disbelief, followed by anger and bargaining, then depression and acceptance, says Mandy.

Unfortunately, in the case of COVID-19, these stages of grief may not be as clear, and may even present differently.

"A major pandemic like COVID-19 is likely to have a major impact on the experience of death, dying and bereavement," says Mandy. "Previous pandemics appear to cause multiple losses both directly related to the death itself and in terms of disruption of social norms, rituals and mourning practices. This affects our ability to connect with the deceased both before and after their death. It can result in what is known as Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD)."

Mandy explains that PGD is a prolonged, severe, persistent and disabling grief. It has now been included in psychological diagnoses for treatment like anxiety and depression. "Before the pandemic, this was restricted to people suffering from what we used to term 'complicated grief' or 'pathological grief'. Recent research is showing the prevalence of PGD is currently high due to COVID-19. Grief experts are now calling for a collective response to these complicated bereavements".

Five tips on how to cope with losing a loved one

"I have a passion for counselling clients through loss. That's a huge part of my work, probably because my worst fear in life is losing someone I love," says Mandy. "And recently, in June 2021, I lost my mom to COVID-19."

- Read Mandy's personal experience of losing her mother to COVID-19 in June 2021.

"As a daughter, I'm trying to find ways to cope. However, as a psychologist, I know that these tips do help us through loss":

1. Be kind to yourself. Right now, nothing makes sense. On top of your grief, you're fighting an invisible enemy and you're probably dealing with anxiety. You're also suffering from COVID fatigue - fatigue around the pandemic in general. With multiple losses evident all around you, you may feel compassion fatigue too. This is the physical and mental exhaustion and emotional withdrawal you experience when you care for sick or traumatised people over an extended period.
2. Don't play the blame game. When an unspeakable enemy takes your loved one away, a normal part of grief is questioning "Where? How? Who?" and trying to make sense of it all. When it comes to comprehending the loss of a loved one to COVID-19, you start questioning: "Was it me who infected them? Who gave COVID-19 to them?". There are no answers, and you cannot blame one another.
3. Don't wallow in guilt. When someone dies, there are always regrets about not having made that phone call or that extra effort to see them. Remember that these are unprecedented times and prolonged lockdowns have meant not seeing one another for months on end. Always remind yourself of the reason you stayed away - to protect yourself and your loved one from exposure to COVID-19 and to attempt to avoid unspeakable tragedy
4. Expect disruptions to your sleep. It will either be difficult or impossible. You may be plagued with vivid dreams or nightmares. When you do wake up, you might forget you have lost your loved one, and then suddenly reality kicks in. If you need to sleep with the lights on, do so. If your exhaustion allows you to fall asleep during the day, allow this. If you need added support, please reach out to a healthcare professional for assistance around better sleep.
5. Reach out to others when you can. Whether it's to other family members, trusted friends or a professional, talking about how you are feeling really does help you to process what you are going through.

How to help someone who has lost a loved one to COVID-19

1. Give them space. Don't expect the return of calls or messages. Acknowledge their grief with something as simple as "I am so sorry - there are no words." Keep in mind that people all grieve differently. Some want the calls and messages, others withdraw.
2. Be considerate and respect the family. Do not post about a person's passing on social media until the family decides to do so. It is not your story to tell.
3. Deliver food. Reach out with gestures that you know will be appreciated.
4. Be proactive and ask how you can help with the admin associated with a person's passing. For example, you could help by collecting papers from the lawyer or getting a document certified. Make a small donation if the family is struggling financially.
5. Do not judge the depth of another's loss or how they are coping. Everyone copes differently and their grief is their own journey, not yours. Do your best not to offer any advice unless you are asked for it. Rather listen as best you can without trying to "fix" the situation.